Robot Wars RD Style
by Zombie Kitty
Summary: The crew are bored and challenge each other to a robot building,fighting contest...But does anything run smoothly? Is a Cat,Kira,Dani fic,It's straight after Reflections, still before kidnapped and if you think its rubbish beware zombification! COMPLETED
1. Bored

**Disclaimer:** Do not own RD or Robot Wars or Scrapheap Challenge or owt, and if you think I do you need a phyciatrist more than I do.

Right well here we are another new fic to replace Reflections, it's set right after Reflections and hope you all think its good, I wrote it ages ago and because I was so lazy in copying up Reflections I'm surprised I even got this far! Well read on and review my little non zombie readers...

**Robot Wars – RD Style**

Boredom

Cat yawned and opened his eyes, he smiled indulgently as he saw his official soul mate sat up in bed feeding their baby kitten… child He leaned over quietly and kissed her neck.

"Mmmm, morning." She greeted leaning back and kissing Cat gently.

"OW!" Cat and Kira parted and cried out simultaneously.

"Why'd you bite my lip?" Cat moaned, wiping his lip, a small bite of blood rubbing off onto his finger.

"Sorry Cat – She nipped me." Kira defended.

"Sorry – Didn't realise."

"How's she teething so fast?" Kira wondered allowed as she cradled Dani

"She's part feline, she's going to grow a bit quicker than monkeys."

"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting." Kira breathed sadly wondering if that meant Cat and Dani would have shorter life spans, but she didn't ask, and she knew she was never going to.

"We're getting company." Cat warned after a moment as the scent of curry wafted up his nose. Kira nodded and handed him Dani as she buttoned up her top.

Lister stomped in a few seconds later and flopped down onto the bunk next to Cat, Kira and Dani.

"I'm bored." He announced.

"How lovely for you Bud." Cat sighed as he rocked Dani. Groaning to himself as trans-am wheel arch nostrils and razor head approached the room.

"So this is where you're all skiving off to? Leave me and Kryten to do all the work around here?" Rimmer challenged the second his pompous face appeared round the doorway.

"What? Cataloguing the moss and fungus supplies?" Lister scoffed.

"You may mock Lister but someone has to do it – You ate all those curries before we even had a chance to log them… I can't believe you ate them all that quickly you know." Rimmer added in disbelief as he sat down in a chair, shaking his head.

"Hey I was in heaven – I went 7 weeks, 3 days and 17 hours without curry it was inhuman!" Lister defended.

"No bud, it was inhuman watching you eat it."

"Anyway Listy, what's the plan if you aren't going to make yourself useful?" Rimmer challenged sarcastically.

"Look, I don't know ok? I'm just mind numbingly bored."

"What about those puerile games you're always playing?"

"Hey with a woman and baby on board? Give me some credit… Besides, the unicycle broke."

"I wonder why!" Rimmer replied.

"It's not because of my weight." Lister insisted.

"Really? Then just call me Flibble!"

"Gus – I don't mind the games, I'd just prefer it if you didn't nick my tights to play that volley ball thing though." Kira interrupted, stopping another argument between Rimmer and Lister.

"Hey Mech-Head, what did we get from the last derelict? – Vids wise?"

"History Of Wallpapering Part 1 through to 26, Apollo 39 – Voyage To Venus, and the entire first series of a 20th century show hosted by Jeremy Clarkson sir." Kryten answered in "List Mode."

Rimmer let this information sink in, mulling over the comments said.

"Clarkson? Isn't he the car fanatic who invaded France in a self modified Porsche, complete with rocket launchers and "I hate Frenchies!" bumper stickers?"

"Errr yes sir."

"What happened to him?" Lister asked.

"After destroying several French car factories and the Louvre, he proceeded to the Eiffel Tower, which he blew up with his rocket launcher, however due to the speeds he was travelling at the time, and the wind direction the Eiffel Tower toppled in his direction, crushing him in his Porsche."

"Shame." Rimmer replied sadly. "Waste of a perfectly good car."

"Right… Fancy a duet Cat?" Lister asked, looking forward to another chance of proving that he was a better guitar player than Cat.

"Lister, if you even touch that guitar I'll tear off the strings and cut off your fingers with them." Rimmer warned, his voice deadly serious.

Lister sighed in an annoyed and laid back on the bed staring up at the ceiling.

"What's the Clarkson thing called then?" Kira asked as boredom began to eat away at her too.

"Robot Wars ma'am."

"Is it a dramatisation of the book by Natalie K Kershaw?"

"Errr no ma'am, It's a group of primitive robots who are controlled by humans and are forced to do degrading tasks for points, as well as smashing each other to bits and avoiding these bullies called 'House Robots.'" Kryten explained uncomfortably.

"Oh BRUTAL Krytes! Play the vid!" Lister cried excitedly.

"But sir – It's SICK!" Kryten objected with feeling.

"Now what did I say about that show we saw the other week about man made machines?" Lister said as if talking to a 5 year old.

"You mean that Scrapheap Challenge is meaningful entertainment and that the machinery was given a new lease of life by being made into things that play curling with Mini's?" Kryten recited in "Memory Mode."

"Yeah, just adapt that accordingly for this situation and put the vid on."

"Yeah bud, quit stalling – This is eating into valuable "Me" time. Cat whined as he gently unhooked Dani's growing claws from his hair.

"All time is "You" time in your world." Rimmer muttered sarcastically.

"And your point is?" Cat replied as the vid began to play.


	2. Bright Idea?

**Disclaimer:** Ok - you know the drill Drill SFX I don't own Red Dwarf, and YOU don't own Red Dwarf... Unless your name happens to be Rob Grant or Doug Naylor, in which case I advise you to run far far away before you discover how much I've mangled your masterpiece

Well here's the next chapter - Enjoy!

* * *

Bright Idea

"Oh sirs and ma'am!" Kryten moaned as the credits ended. "That's against every mechanoid's coding – They would never do to silicon heaven!"

"Kryten they were controlled by PEOPLE!" Lister hollered for at least the 100th time.

"As much as I enjoy seeing geeks destroy years of hard work, there's much better things for us to do in our spare time." Rimmer stated righteously.

"What? Helping you catalogue your 20th century telegraph pole collection to the sounds of Hammond organ music?" Lister scoffed though the sarcasm of the statement seemed temporarily lost on Rimmer.

"That's a possibility…"

"NO WAY Rimmer! What about us listening to you learn Esperanto instead?"

"You may mock my linguistic talents but… but… goit."

"Why don't we make up a new game or something?" Kira asked, yawning as she used Lister's ample frame as a table for her legs.

"Oi! You mind?" Lister protested.

"You gonna get off the bed?"

"Too difficult – Ask me in an hour."

"Then don't complain."

"What about we do the robot killing stuff?" Cat asked as Dani began to purr in his arms – A quality so sweet that everyone paused to go awww for a moment.

"Sir, did I hear you correctly? Kryten asked as the "awww" moment ended, mech ear cleaner on standby.

"Nah, he's got something here – We can build our own robots and have a fight to the death down in the cargo bay." Lister said, he made to stand up but his laziness and Kira's legs got the better of him.

"You want us to spend the next 6 months of our life – And death, building robots – just to smash them to bits?" Rimmer clarified.

"Well yeah."

"Well done Lister and here's me thinking you have no plans or ambitions for the future."

"Hey I have ambitions."

"What? Getting out of bed to go see if there's any bread or sugar puffs left?"

"Are we going to do this or what? My brains turning to mush here!" Cat moaned as he pulled himself off the bed and placed Dani in an old basket.

"No change there then." Rimmer muttered under his breath.

"Getting any scent of danger hun?" Kira asked yawning with boredom.

"Nope! I'd say we've got at least 48 hours left to live!"

"Oh yay, nothings trying to kill us for once, how about we crack out the urine Recyc to celebrate?" Rimmer scoffed sarcastically.

"Oh shut up Rimmer – We can have a comp here, 2 teams, and we each try and build a robot in 24 hours or so!"

"Yeah, ok." Cat and Kira echoed, grinning.

"Rimmer man, you in?"

"Are you sure you wouldn't prefer some Morris dancing?"

"Come on." Lister sighed as he pushed Kira off him, dragged himself to his feet and staggered stiffly towards the door.

"Sir! On a point of principle I must object to taking any part in this monstrous act!" Kryten insisted.

"Well who's gonna be the ref? Dani?" Lister added smiling.

"Sir, only someone truly mad should be given the task, and as Miss Dani is neither mad nor as yet grasped the human language, I suggest Talkie Toaster."

"What? Where?" Lister cried spinning round in horror.

"Sir – I must say this fear and anger towards the toaster is insane." Kryten protested.

"The only thing that's insane is HIM! He wants us to eat it like all the time – And if we don't want toast like 24/7 he throws a major wobbly... Déjà vu – Weird!"

"I second that sir."

"Hang on, didn't Lister leave him scattered about the cargo bays back on Red Dwarf?" Rimmer questioned in his thinking pose.

"2000 pieces sir, I got the Scutters to collect him together and I was repairing him when we lost Red Dwarf. Due to recent events –"

"Multiple bear death experiences." Cat whispered knowingly to Kira.

"I never finished the project. Bread toasting appliances were never installed with a sense and morality chip so he should be un-objective of your little… game." Kryten finished the sentence with as much scorn a mechanoid with corrupted files could muster.

"Kryten you're a total gooseberry – You've completely wreaked my day now… And its Thursday and all!" Lister moaned.

"What's so wrong with Thursdays?" Kira asked, confused.

"The Lisa Yates thing – Thursday. Polymorph and the Curry Beast – both Thursdays. Kryten's Replacement –"

"- I get the point Dave!" Kira screamed in exasperation. "I'd always liked Thursdays too." She added more calmly.

"You won't be saying that after hanging with us for a while." Lister replied grumpily.

"So we in or out? Because if we in, I've got team shirts to make!" Cat announced. On receiving nods from Lister and Kira he grabbed some duvet covers from the beds, he then lifted Dani from the basket with one arm and put the duvet covers in her place. He then replaced his daughter and walked out carrying the basket with Kira following.

Kryten wandered out of the room after Kira, muttering in binary code.

"I'm going part scavenging – You coming?" Lister asked Rimmer hesitantly.

"You really gonna put together a robot with me?" Rimmer clarified uncertainly.

"Well yeah."

"The soup Nozzle Unclogger & The Curry Kid?"

"Quit stalling and come on."


	3. Would You Like Any Toast?

**Disclaimer:** Don't own the Dwarfers and yada yada yada.

Ok well here it is hope you enjoy this chapter, i've certianly succeeded in shocking Lar - What with my speedyness and all.

Would You Like Any Toast?

Kryten clicked shut a panel on the toaster and ran the Psi-Scan in front of Talkie, processing the data in nano second time.

Kira and Cat walked in through the door, Cat carrying Dani wrapped in a pile of material and sat on a large sewing basket, Kira carrying a load of electrical components, an axe from one of the fire cupboards and a manual on electronics.

"Sir. Ma'am. May I take this opportunity to restate how utterly repulsive this is?"

"Well you just did, so sorry if I seem thicker than two short plants crossed with a Barbie doll, but where was the question?" Cat asked as he spread the material out delicately on a work bench, reaching for a pair of fabric scissors and a pencil once he was sure his subject was crease and winkle free.

"Oh Kryten, it's ok, these machines don't have the power of independent thought, they are just scrap components put together and run by a man made controller. They aren't like you – They aren't even like Talkie." Kira argued softly trying to get Kryten to understand.

Kryten just attempted a snort in response and flicked Talkie's "On" switch.

"Howdily doodily do, the name's Talkie – Talkie Toaster – Can I brandish you with any toast?"

"Not right now." Kira soothed, opening the manual and scraping a stool over to the bench to sit on.  
"Love, I'm a toaster. If you don't want toast has the psychopath come back for round 2?"

"What? No! I'm sure it was an accident."

"That wasn't an accident! That was 1st degree toasticide!"

"Look, we want you to referee a competition for us – Please?" Kira explained and asked, smiling at the toaster warmly.

"Will you eat toast?" Kira's warm smile turned icy cold.

"You're blackmailing us to eat toast?"

"Why not?"

"As must as they deserve this torture in return for their terrible actions, I must order that you will not off any member of the crew toast for the duration of this fiendish event. – Understand?" Kryten commanded waving his finger at Talkie as if scolding a disobedient child.

"Yeah, yeah. So gorgeous, you wanna go out somewhere for pancakes?" Kira raised her eyebrows as Kryten jumped back and Cat scowled.

"Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"Pancakes aren't toast."

"Do NOT offer anyone any grilled bread products or…or…or we'll set Mister Lister on you!" Talkie thought for a moment about Kryten's threat before replying.

"What happened to you all that was so horrific you've all turned into toastaphobes?"

"You bread brain." Cat muttered as he drew out a template design for his team shirts.

"This is cruel – Bullying me for what I am!"

"Will you do the smegging job or not?" Kira hissed, hoping not to wake Dani up.

"Ok, ok. It might be a laugh – Should make a change from heating bread." Kira and Kryten exchanged shocked and annoyed glances as Cat continued with his design project muttering unspeakable things about Talkie under his breath.


	4. Discovery

**Disclaimer: **You really think I might have bought the rights to RD in the last 30 minutes or so since my last update to this story?

Ok well really quick update (Lar cheers) but very short chapter, anyway hope you enjoy the little bit of Lister/Rimmer banter. Oh yeah REVIEW or beware ZOMBIFICATION!

Discovery

"Rimmer man – Hurry up!" Lister called behind him as he grabbed random pieces of equipment and stuffed them into his rucksack.

"Sorry to be a drag and all but some of us are actually looking for useful things to help us win this puerile game." Rimmer retorted haughtily.

"Hey! So am I you know." Lister defended, his voice rising slightly in pitch.

"Some sticky back plastic and a mouldy yoghurt pot?" Rimmer questioned, pointing to Lister's latest finds. "This isn't Blue Peter you know."

"It's a start."

"To what? Runner up prize in the 5 to 10ns category?"

"Rimmer I… Hey! Look at this!" Lister called as he pulled an old sheet off something Rimmer couldn't quite see from where he was stood.

"What is it?" He asked as he turned the corner to catch Lister up.

"It's that bonkers skutter! We could repair it a bit, do a welding job with a bazookoid and bingo! Lister speculated, excitedly.

"Technically this is cheating as the others will have built their thing from new, not just recycled a already built robot." Rimmer voiced as he watched the younger man struggle to move the large metal machine.

" And? Since when have you gone all moral on us?" Lister asked accusingly as he kicked the skutter in annoyance, wincing as pain throbbed through his foot.

Rimmer grinned broadly "I haven't – There's hope for you yet!"


	5. Fight Countdown

**Disclaimer:** I don't own RD

Right well here's the next chapter, enjoy... DAMNIT (Tini just ate my sandwhich and i'm not kidding!)

Fight Countdown

The 4 contestants entered the cargo bay, Lister and Rimmer with slight smirks on their faces. Cat, Kira (and Dani) wearing "Feline Fighter" T-shirts.

Cat placed his partner's blanket covered creation on the floor and turned round to take Dani out of Kira's rucksack. He placed her on a box carefully as Kryten shuffled in carrying a cushion and Talkie. Kryten continued to maintain that he did not want to be there but was duty bound as Miss Dani had to be cared for during the time that her parents had taken leave of their better judgement.

Lister's smirk changed to a frown as he placed his robot opposite "Feline Fighter" This was because he was sure Talkie was giving him the eye, something that was totally absurd as Talkie didn't actually have eyes.

"Toast haters reveal your robots." Talkie announced dramatically as the two teams pulled off the sheets hiding their creations.

"Feline Fighter" was a semi circled/half barrelled design, made with some lightweight scrap titanium.

On its roof was the axe that was attached using a simple alloy connector system and the chaises was from a medi bay trolley.

Cat had insisted in painting the robot completely black, adding afterwards a decorative design of white tiger stripes. Kira supported this aesthetic remodelling, mostly because he had used flame resistant paint.

In comparison the "Sir Smegalot" bot was a lot more spectacular. Lister had stripped away the claw and optical receivers amongst other stuff, leaving the arm itself in place. He'd done a botching job on the wiring, connecting the bazookoid via the arm to the Skutter's central system. He had also polished away the rust so it shined as good as new, and cut a hole in its side where he did some more botching to reattach the claw. Lister for effect had then placed a samurai sword that they'd found on some derelict in the Skutter's claw, and as an extra touch added a holder for the sword. Finally he had got some spray paint and scrawled the words "Sir Smegalot" Along the side in red."

Cat and Kira looked at their opponent then tuned to their own robot. "You think I should have given it another coat of paint?" Cat asked as Kira handed him the controls they had altered from an old remote controlled car.

"Its fine love – Aesthetically perfect. You just use for fantastic driving skills and let's kick bottom." Cat smiled at Kira, kissing her lightly on the cheek as she brushed past him.

Cat had found from the quick practise they had had that the controls were simple, easier than the controls of Starbug, Definitely easier than him picking out his several daily outfits.

The couple busied themselves with moving some boxes to make the border of the "ring" as Lister and Rimmer stood in a corner engaged in a heated discussion…

What do you mean it's still got its core programming?" Rimmer hissed.

"I forgot ok? It's probably been changed anyway – It looked alright." Lister protested.

"Well all hail Swami Lister – The Future Telling Swamp Monster from the Deep." Rimmer said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes, lowering his voice so as to avoid Cat's keen hearing picking up the conversation – Not that he was even thinking of tuning in.

"Well if you'd given me some help we might have had time to test it."

"You haven't tested it?" Rimmer cried as quietly as possible.

"Rimmer you thought the skutter was a good idea!"

"Well I for one don't fancy being killed by a deranged skutter thank you very much."

"Rimmer you're already dead! And your light bee is tougher than the meat in the school beef burgers – If anyone's gonna die it's going to be us!" Lister pointed out shaking his head.

"Thanks Listy! That really cheered me up!" Rimmer whispered sincerely.

"So – Do you trust my technological expertise or not?"

"Would you like the full or edited version?" Rimmer replied solemnly.  
"Errr full."

"Not smegging likely!"

"Well what was the 'edited' version then?" Rimmer returned this question with a snort and a nostril flare.

"Your trust in me is never ending huh Rimmer?" Lister teased as they took their places to begin the match.

"3." Came talkie's irritating voice.

"Errr Listy? – Where are the controls?"

"2."

"Smeg - I forgot!"

"1."

"WHAT?"


	6. Activate

**Disclaimer:** Wow... a disclaimer... I don't own owt ppl - Except Kira and Dani...

Anyway I apologise for errors, and this WAS going to be one chapter but I got lazy in the copy up so it's no longer the last chapter... Had no idea where to end it and stopped it when I was near to commiting suicide... or at least hitting my head on the keyboard. (Desk too far away - me on bed, in hot sweat, with painful leg, crappy american sitcoms, an annoying cat and insomnia... lovely)

* * *

Activate

"Activate!" At Talkie's words the two machines sprung into action, "Feline Fighter" controlled by Cat and "Sir Smegalot" the modified skutter, controlled by itself.

Sir Smegalot swung round and round, it's optical sound and heat receivers severed, but its movement sensors still functioning. It processed the data of the new weapons and claw positions, taking stock of it's new, personal objectives – To kill everything that moved.

Quick as lightening the bazookoid was armed, aimed and fired at "Feline Fighter", exploding it into a mass of stripes and burning metal.

"DUCK!" Lister yelled throwing himself to the ground as rounds of manic bazookoid fire flew over his head, followed by fluttering debris of "Feline Fighter" Cat opened his mouth and lifted his arm, dropping the controls in the process, he was obviously confused, though he easily complied ad the bazookoid turned and fired at him, exploding the controls into tiny pieces.

"What the smeg is going on DAVE?" Kira cried from behind a box at the other end of the "Arena"

"Mister Technical Wizard Of The Year here forgot to build controls – and rewire the skutter's nucleus system." Rimmer replied a bit too smugly than was needed.

"Boy, are you STUPID!" Talkie chirped happily. "Never mind – Care for some toast?"

"SHUT UP!" Kira snapped loudly, her heart pumping faster than it had ever been – Even then when she gave birth to a half feline baby.

"SIRS! You didn't you the psycho skutter did you?" Kryten's squeaky, worried and panicky voice from behind one of the crates at the far side of the cargo bay.

"And I thought I asked the dumb questions." Cat muttered, trying to block out the whirring of the Skutter as it spun round and round still, random bolts from the bazookoid flying off all around. "Why's it working if there's nothing to control it?" He asked after gulping deeply.

"That's simple you gimboid!" Rimmer blurted before a pause elapsed.

"Well?"

"Erm…" Rimmer trailed off feeling flustered.

""Could the command activate have turned it on?" Kira asked as her voice rose in pitch.

"I believe so ma'am-" He made to say something else but was cut off as Dani opened her mouth at let loose the full fury of her lings.

"Shush baby." Kira called pathetically. "Is… Is there a voice deactivation?" She stuttered, trying to keep as still as possible, speaking through clenched teeth.

"No ma'am – Manual only." Kryten replied.

"Oh deary me – You lot really are toasted you know that?" Talkie laughed mechanically.

"Great! Nice one Lister!"

"Me? It was –" Lister began to argue but was cut of.

"Can you SHUT UP?" I'm trying to think!" Kira hissed.

"Well look who didn't get her toast this morning!" Talkie crooned in response. Kira bit her lip and skipped over the comment, trying to stay calm.

"It's not our heat patterns or sound… I doubt he can see us… It must be only our movement it can sense…" She speculated.

"Any chance of legging it?" Cat asked, freezing in fear as his leg slipped. His heart leaped as the box next to him exploded into pieces.

"I'd list the drawbacks sir but I feel that was a better explanation." Kryten yelled.

"Point well made… Something tells me that our 24 hours guaranteed living time just dropped to zero." Cat added in a squeaky voice.

"Well can't you die after crumpets?"

"If the skutter and the opera singer weren't bad enough!" Lister hissed under his breath...


	7. Annihilated

**Disclaimer:** You know what's coming: I do not own Red Dwarf!... Told Ya!

Right, well it's now 3:53am and I did attempt sleep I even turned off the PC! but it didn't go very well so here's the final chapter, hope it's not too crap and good night!...good morning... Whatever... Anyway added the theme tune at the end - As ya do, To waste time, It worked, like this is a bit, now I've gotta to find something else to do as sleep doesn't seem very imminent... Hmmm I'll start the next chapter of Vita... (Enjoy this storie's finale - At least try to anyway)

* * *

Annihilated 

"…What if one of us try and deactivate it while the others jump around a lot?" Kira suggested uncertainly.

"Do we look suicidal?"

"Was that a rhetorical question or can anyone answer?" Talkie asked in his toastal retentive voice.

"No we aren't but you obviously are as you won't stop making these bloody comments!" Lister hissed, wishing he was able to go and smash the toaster to bits – AGAIN!

"How about muffins? They'll cheer anyone up who's on a downer!"

"Arnold." Kira said butting in between the Lister versus Electrical Appliance argument. "You'll be ok, there should be some kind of switch near one of wheels." She explained but before he could respond to be cowardly or otherwise, Lister caught their attention.

"Ah."

"What do you mean 'Ah'?" Kira asked threw gritted teeth.

"Well, I kind of took it out…"

"You kind of took it out?" Kira mimicked, her teeth grinding ever so slightly in annoyance.

"I thought it was the manual breaks!" He defended.

"Fan-Smegging-Tastic bud! – These t-shirts don't go well will explosions and neither do the people wearing them." Cat warned as Dani's cries grew louder.

"Kryten move her and I'll kill you myself – Just thought I'd mention that. Clear?" Kira asked in a fake sing song voice.

"Perfectly ma'am." Kryten responded despondently.

"The axe!" Cat yelled as a small light bulb flickered on in his head.

"But it got blown up!" Rimmer objected.

"No – That one on the wall!" Cat pointed with his eyes, Kira following his gaze.

"Cat! If I wouldn't get blasted to smithereens I'd kiss you!" Kira shrieked excitedly.

"Arn – Get the axe!"

"Excuse me-" Rimmer began – Obviously to object, but was cut off by Lister.

"You can't ask him Kira – You need someone with a spine!" Lister laughed despite the sad truth. The laugh turned to a gasp of fright as bazookoid fire flew past his ear.

"And what do you know Frankenstein?... Oh my gawd! I stood up for Alphabet head – Let skuttsy kill me now!" Cat moaned sadly.

"On the plus side sir you finally worked out the difference between the creator and the monster." Kryten yelled though the intended complement had little affect.

"But with him is there really a difference? Come on – The man is a maniac - He hates toast!" Talkie protested, his speakers on extra loud to be heard above Dani's cries.

"Arnold?" Kira asked at the top of her lungs. Rimmer closed his eyes and mind allowing the sounds of "Sir Smegalot" and Dani to fill the air. He took a deep breath, his mind clouding with confusing thoughts of all the put downs and insults he had been dealt over his life and death. He bit his lip, flew his eyes open and ran to the wall in what could only be described as a comedy run, diving to the floor at the last moment to dodge several rounds of bazookoid fire.

"Well would you look at him go! Be better if he was fuelled on toast!" Talkie commented.

"For the last time would you shut the… RIMMER!" Lister hollered as Talkie's words and Rimmer's sudden absence from his side clicked in his mind.

Rimmer groaned in response and rolled over, catching a hit on his shoulder. He groaned again and stood up, blinking in pain as another shot penetrated his back. He stood perfectly still for a moment then dived at the axe, grabbing it and waiting for the next shots to hit him… But they didn't, though he could still here them. He took a moment to steady himself and turned to see Cat and Lister running round and dodging the fire.

"Hey I like this sport! You might die!" Talkie cried happily in the background.

"Hurry up man – We can't keep this up forever!" Lister panted as he tripped, catching a shot to his arm. Despite the pain he stood as still as possible as Cat jumped up and down at the other end of the arena.

"Dave you ok?" Kira asked, her voice shaking with fear.

"Yeah, I'm just dandy!" Lister scoffed as tears began to build behind his eyes.

"My attack has been avenged! Care for toast as your last meal?" Talkie cackled as a random bolt hit and exploded him into many pieces of cheap red plastic.

"Thank SMEG for that!" Lister sighed in relief before wincing in pain at his bleeding arm.

Rimmer ran back to the others in a zig zag pattern as "Sir Smegalot" shot at him and Cat alternately and manically. As the skutter registered Rimmer coming towards him it raised the claw and positioned the sword defensively. It slashed at Rimmer with the sword as he tried to come into range with the axe – The skutter still firing at Cat. Rimmer kept dodging the sword, or at least trying to ignore it as he attempted to get close enough to have a good whack with the axe whilst resisting the urge to run.

However the Skutter was processing the information that Rimmer was a hard light hologram, and therefore hitting it with a sword was not particularly going to help. It bent back it's claw in response, placing the sword in it's holder. Rimmer took this opportunity and stepped forward, the axe raised above his head… But before he could strike the skutter thrust it's claw into Rimmer's projection, grasping Rimmer's light bee in a solid, tightening grip. Rimmer gasped in pain and shock, dropping the axe from his fading images.

These events occurred concurrently with Kira screaming in despair and leaving her hiding place to run to her crewmate, and Cat crying out as the skutter stopped and moved to aim at Kira, still tightening it's grip on Rimmer's light bee. Lister saw as clear as Cat did what was going to happen and ignored the searing pain in his arm as her charged at her.

The skutter dropped the light bee as it fired a bolt at Kira, she grabbed the axe and dived for Rimmer as Lister tumbled into her and they rolled out of the way, the bazookoid fire landed where they had been just a moment ago, leaving scorches to mar the spot.

"Buds?" Cat called, fearing the reply – Or lack of one as he dived behind a crate.

"We're fine!" Kira yelled, raising her eyes to see the deranged skutter looking over them.

"Speak for yourself!" Lister moaned as he forced back tears that were threatening to come in response to his injured arm being banged to the floor, and currently being crushed by his brave – Or at least suicidal friend.  
"Sorry Dave." Kira muttered softly.

"Thank the heavens you're alright!" Kryten squeaked over Dani's performance.

"Cheers Kryten… Cat – On the count of three dash about again… Ok?" Kira yelled as Dani's howls increased in decibels even more – If that was even possible.

"Sure hun but if I get blasted you'll never hear the last of it!" Cat joked feebly.

"I know, right…1…2…3!"

Cat launched forward on the 3rd number as Kira moved off Lister's arm – Much to his aching relief and stumbled forward, dodging the claw and whacking the arm connecting the bazookoid, the latter of which was still focusing on the blur known as Cat.

The impact of Kira's blow sent the bazookoid whizzing across the floor, shattering into several large pieces, sparks flying from where it had been attached to the skutter.

Cat and Lister sighed in relief, despite the skutter still moving in anger. It reached for the sword but Kira soon put a stop to that, slicing through the claw before attacking the skutter in an unrelenting fashion.

Cat meanwhile went over to Kryten, taking Dani from him and shushing her softly, they then dashed over to Lister who was inspecting Rimmer's light bee and Kira who was still busy bashing manically at the Skutter.

"What's the verdict?" Cat asked as Dani's crying finally reduced in volume.

"He should be ok after rewiring and stuff." Lister replied optimistically as Kryten helped him to his feet and began to fuss over him and his wound.

Cat touched Kira's shoulder gently and she turned to look at him. They shared a smile and she took Dani gently from him before allowing him to lead her away. After a few steps she dropped the axe from her free hand, it hit the floor with a metallic clatter.

"You have been annihilated."

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere,

I'm all alone, more or less,

Let me fly far away from here,

Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.

I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose,

Drinking fresh mango juice,

Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,

Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun,

Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.


End file.
